well i fucked up big time. So I had a panic attack last night and the night before because I didn't know what I was going to do with my life and I was freaking out about being alone. So i texted my ex-girlfriend and asked her if she could talk tomorrow. She said sure why whats up I told her I was having a panic attack about my life and everything. So she proceeded to call me, and try and make sure I was ok. I told her I have been freaking out because I cant keep myself busy and that this break up sees to be hitting me extremely hard. It was terrible. I also said that I felt like she was doing much better than me. She said she wasn't and that its been hard on her but she's just been keeping busy and preoccupied. Then I told her that i just miss her a lot and that Im scared I was never going to see her again. She proceeded to tell me that we were over for good and that, we weren't getting back together. That hurt me a lot. I was freaking out because I knew that was the truth but I didn't want to believe it. I said that maybe we shouldn't talk anymore, and she said she's been trying to tell me and hint that to me for a while. I see it now but I guess I just took it as her being busy because she is always busy. At this point She was getting a little mad at me because I was being stupid (in my mind). Then I asked her to be honest with me and She said of course, and I proceeded to ask her a question. Not the question I actually wanted answered but the first thing that popped into my head. It was a very stupid question and I completely regret asking it. I knew the answer was no but i asked it anyway. I was a complete moron about this, I really just wanted to know if she missed me. So after I asked her the stupid question she got extremely offended and mad at me (which is understandable, I would be furious with me as well). She yelled fuck you Rob at me and hung up. I tried calling her back to apologize but she wouldn't take my phone call. I don't blame her one bit. So texted her saying I was so sorry about everything and that I understand she doesn't want to talk to me again. I also said that this would be the last time she would hear from me. I'm not going to text her or call her or anything. She broke up with me for many reasons including getting away from me and living her own life free of anyone else. She said she still wanted to be friends but I don't know how to do that, at least not now, so soon after our break up. So I guess I'm just sad that Im losing one of my best friends. Its going to be hard I know but I will try and get through this. I have to. I know she is going to get through this better than me because she is a stronger person than I am.
On a side note, I just want her to be truly happy, but I wish that happiness included me. She promises me that we will see each other again but I am almost very certain that after last night, she will never want to see me again. I cant say I blame her. It just sucks because I spent 2 years of my life with her, and since Im only 21, that is 10% of my life. It is just hitting me a little harder than I would have thought because I am losing a lot of friends. A lot of people I might never see again. Friends from school who graduated, and even some friends from home who are moving far away to better things.
If you find and read this Tricia, I just really want to apologize for everything I have ever done to hurt you. No matter how big or small. I am truly sorry, and I hope that one day we can be best friends
